This isn’t going to be one of my more happier posts. But I DO believe it is a necessary one.
Hi. My name is Danielle and I am a recovering miscarriage survivor.
Losing a child is something I would never wish on anyone. Its hard any way you slice it. 6 weeks. 17 weeks. 39 weeks. 1 month. 1 year. 18 years. 54 years. Before you die pretty much. No one should go through it. But it is something we go through a lot. Did you know 1 in 4 women experience Miscarriage? Someone you know…has gone through it just like you are right now. Someone like you is dying to express those feelings just like you or to connect with another being who is feeling what she is. Someone to understand her.
I’m here to say we SHOULD talk about it. They were a being. They were real. They deserve to be cherished and spoken about. But instead there’s this unspoken rule about how we should suffer in silence. From family. From other children. Even from our partners.
Before I experienced my own, I was a huge advocate about talking with others about it. I did the mistake of trying to comfort someone by saying…It’s ok and It happened for a reason. Or…There’s always time to try again. But now I realize there is nothing that we can say to comfort. But we can listen to and show support that way.
I lost my son at 16 weeks and 5 days. On May 28th of 2015. We were going through a very stressful time in our lives with a child custody case going ugly and it took its toll. I woke up contracting and after about a half an hour of trying to get the kids ready and getting a friend to come and get me because I had no vehicle at the time, my water broke and I knew that was that. He wasn’t viable outside of me. 6 more weeks and he could have been…possibly. And we would be living a different story right now. But we aren’t.
Only 1-2 percent of miscarriages end in the second trimester. Usually all the genetic miscarriages (the ones where something goes wrong with the baby and it’s miscarried due to genetics and not forming correctly) happen before 12. So as I looked at my son in my hand all I could feel was sorrow for not protecting him more. Because I knew this was stress induced.
They took him and because he was too small they couldn’t perform a proper autopsy, they had to perform one through slides of wax and slivers of his organs to make sure nothing was wrong. And there wasn’t. He was perfect. He was smaller than what he should have been at that age…but I believe that was my body giving up due to the stress of everything and trying to sustain two lives at the same time.
I remember afterwards…I had complications from it all. My placenta hadn’t come out because I wasn’t contracting anymore and the doctor wasn’t going to tug on it to try to get it to come out and I was left bleeding for several hours. Pretty much slowly bleeding to death. Charming right? Well I had some passing out instances and all that lead to panic attacks because I was told I was trying to die versus what was really happening, my body just trying to reset due to thinking all that blood I lost was in my legs (Called a Vasovagal). Now I deal with anxiety and panic attacks. I wish every day I could go back to my normal self. Go shopping without dealing with any of it. I’ll be trying some Holistic routes of dealing with them but those are for later blogs.
The weeks that followed were tough. Everyone tried to help but couldn’t. One lady told me it was my body trying to say it had had enough babies since I had so many. Not even knowing anything about the situation. We went to tell family members who hadn’t known because we felt they had the right to know and I had everything from “Oh God you aren’t pregnant again are you?” to some other very hurtful comments that I won’t mention. Things I would never wish to say to someone who lost a baby. Things that ARE NOT OK to say and I should have spoken up to those people and said Hey…that’s not OK….what if this happened to you??? Would you want me to say these thoughtless and unfeeling things to you or your daughter?
Being told I should just focus on the kids I do have versus being sad about the one I lost doesn’t make the pain go away either. It just adds anger to it because my son WAS a person. He was living. He was MY son and he’s NOT here now! Even my other children mourn him.
SO I guess what every woman needs to know is that it IS OK to talk about the ones we’ve lost. Just because society doesn’t see them as humans because they haven’t been birthed alive and full term doesn’t mean that they weren’t. They were. And we need to start talking about it. We need to let others know that we know what they are going through and they have a friend in us.
It is OK to talk about it.
It is OK to cry about it. It’s been a year and a half and I still cry. I will cry til my last day. Because he was mine. He was my son.
No one should ever be able to tell you how you should feel. If we all just come together and start a new way to handle this…that will become our new norm.
So come together. and Talk.
I dedicate this article to my children Elias Cole and Harleen Margaret. To my niece SaraCole. And any other children taking their first steps in heaven among the angels. Mommy loves you.