Yes you. The one who spoke to me just this morning. The one who asked why do we have to even talk about Elias…he’s gone! Please know that I am aware grief strikes us all in different ways. Please know I support different ways to grieve…but also realize that In accepting yours…I want you to accept mine. Know that just because I accept your way…it doesn’t give you the right to trump or belittle my way.
To pretend like my son did not exist IS NOT right nor will it be tolerated. He did exist. He had a heart beat and a personality. He had a purpose.
I’m not saying we have to talk all day about him. We don’t talk about him at all. And I’m starting to think in this, lies the problem. It is ok to feel pain sometimes. You can’t go through life and not experience it. It sucks. It….hurts. But to bottle it up inside because you were going to be close to him too…he just hadn’t arrived yet…is not good. Nor is it how grief should work. It is not healthy to pretend like it doesn’t exist. That HE did not exist.
So let it out. Cry. Scream. Punch something. ..just not the wall please haha. Feel half of what I feel everyday. To expect a mother to be without her child for her whole life is one of God’s cruelest lemons. But we have to…we MUST make lemonade. Or we will not survive this thing called life.
I cannot tell you how much I ache for someone to acknowledge my son the way that I do. To think about who he might have been. Who he would have loved and made happy. Would he have been a father? How deep those brown eyes would have been like his brothers’.
People say one of the worst things to do is play the What If Game. What if I hadn’t allowed myself to stress. What if I just let it all go and protected my body more. What If I hadn’t lost you. What if.
But I did. And I have to live with the feeling that I didn’t protect you enough. That a piece of my heart is not here with me. That your sisters miss you. I miss you. All the time.
But you had a reason to leave. And I’ve found it. To help those like me. To help the women that ache like me. To inspire me to change the way women like me are treated. To lead the way in this change.
And that my dear son and person who will not talk about you….people who will not acknowledge you…is what I fully intend on doing.
Please know that If you avoid talking about my son just because you fear me getting upset or sad, it is quite the opposite. We yearn to speak about them and keep their memory alive. We yearn to connect with others and tell them the things that we should have heard when we were comforted. To be able to connect with another human and be able to say I know how you feel and genuinely mean it and see the relief on their faces because they have someone on their team is priceless. And I encourage all of you to talk about it. We live in a society where we think we have to just bottle it up and not say anything and only grieve behind closed doors. We can talk about boobs and sex and gross things and disturbing things but God forbid we talk about our lost loved ones. And even then we can talk about Grandma because she lived a full life. She was here. No one can refute her existence. But we refute a miscarriage. Because it makes us feel better and a little more comfortable. Well I’m sorry to say Dear Person but life shouldn’t be comfy. It should make us grow and in doing that we shouldn’t be comfy.
Sweet Dear Person I pray that one day you will think about Elias and smile knowing that he is looking down on us. And rest sweetly my son for you know you are loved. You are safe with God. One day I will be with you too but until then…I have work to do.
To read the story about Elias go here.