You wake up and stare at the ceiling. Today is Mother’s Day. There is an ache in your chest that’s so strong you think you just might crumble where you lay. It feels like someone is sitting on you. Your eyes tear up while thoughts race through your mind. You hear your children giggling downstairs. Plates are tinkering. You smell bacon in the air and look over at your spouses pillow. He’s downstairs with them making sure the house doesn’t catch fire. Good. You have a few more moments to yourself to be sad. To be able to cry without judgement. You hold it in all the time. You put on a brave smile. You grin and bear it when people tell you that you have children already so the one you lost shouldn’t matter. That you shouldn’t feel sadness and just focus on them.
What they don’t realize is that your little angel took a piece of your heart when they went to heaven. So you will always have an ache….a hole there where they should have been. Something will always feel missing, no matter how happy you are.
You hear footsteps coming up the stairs. You quickly wipe whatever tears are left on your cheeks and blow your nose as quietly as you can. The bacon gets stronger as they enter the room and jump on your bed. Your sweetheart seeing you, instantly knowing you had been crying and giving you that sweet face he does. The breakfast is placed in front of you,, still steaming and your day begins.
This is what it means to be someone who has lost. And yes…before you say it, we are the lucky ones. Those who have lost and still have something to look forward to by having children. I would hate to have to be a mother who doesn’t have children here on earth with her. My kids are the things that keep me going every single day of my life. When I’m tired, I keep pushing through for them. I don’t have depressed days. I just have days where I tear up and think of my children in heaven while I am doing everyday life. I am lucky though. I always want to get out of bed and start my day. But other’s don’t have it so lucky. They don’t want to leave the safety of their warm and inviting beds. Their bodies and hearts ache as they work to get dressed. They don’t want to leave the house and endure all the pain outside in the world. I am the lucky one.
I didn’t luck out to have a wonderful spouse who held my hand through all of it like some…but I’m so grateful for the friends that did. God just knew I was strong enough to have that journey by myself and gave me my best girlfriend. She was with me when it happened so I wouldn’t be alone and I thank Him for that. You can read about my story here.
Not everyone is that lucky. There are some who face this journey entirely alone as they were the only ones who knew about the pregnancy. Some have only one friend far away. Others, one friend close by. We come in all kinds of packages.
But no matter how that package was wrapped….what’s inside is the same across the board. We are all mothers! Even if for a day, we loved something so fierce and so above ourselves that we all are on the same field. No matter if we created them, we loved them. Even if they are no here holding our hands and laughing in our ears…they are still ours. Please know that today, you are as much of a mother as I am. As anyone. Even more so because you’ve done a whole entire life time of feelings in a significantly shorter amount of time.
So this Mother’s Day and all from now on, I urge you to reach out to other Moms, whatever their story, and offer them a word of love. Or maybe a movie day in. Something to let them know they are not alone. Something to let them know that their lil angel is acknowledged. To help that ache in our souls. We can make the world a better place, one person at a time.
So Happy Mother’s Day!! To all the mothers, Fathers stepping in and being mothers, Foster moms, Adoptive moms, Surrogate moms, Moms whose angels aren’t with them right now but will one day again! To moms in heaven, to our mothers and grandmothers. The list goes on and on but to all I say well done and keep on going!